Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Happy 1st Birthday Ladybug

It is almost Olivia the Ladybug's 1st birthday so I thought I would share part of her birth/life story thus far..yes she is only one so it shall be a short story but none the less an  important one.

Livvy was an unexpected gift to our family,for a while during my pregnancy I would say she was an accident or she was unplanned...but towards the end of my pregnancy I began to see that she was indeed no accident and she was very much planned out by God to enrich our family and grow our hearts. She was a very unexpected gift however and when I found out I was pregnant I went into complete shock and denial.

Yes to say I did not handle it well would be a massive understatment, I was recovering from having my appendix out and had a 4 month old baby, so another pregnancy was the last thing on my mind. However afetr feeling unwell for a few days and realising I was somewhat "late" I decided to take a home pregnancy test..I didn't tell my hubby because I was sure it was going to be negative and the tiredness and constant nausea I was experiencing was simply a stomach bug. However once I peed on the stick and those two lines of a positive test appeared I almost passed out,.then convinced myself it was a false positive...marching out to my husband I announced "well this says I am pregnant" thrusting the test at him. "Wow" was all he said, "I think its a false positive though there is no way I could be pregnant we have a 4 month old  baby". Off to the shops to get another test ( a 2 pack this time) more drinking more pee and yet another positive test!!! "No way" I exclaimmed "not possible". I went into complete denial mode I was a mess refusing to accept that I was indeed pregnant, even after 12 weeks of morning sickness no period and another positive pregnancy test.

Hubby decided he had had enough of my denial and took me to the doctors, after a check over he pulled out his trusty ultra sound machine squirted goo on my tummy and proceeded to show me my little growing ladybug there in my belly, I turn and look at him with the dumbest expression and say "oh so I really am pregnant"... the doctor looked back at me like I was a total dickhead " ummm yes Leesa your very pregnant at least 4 months along" I am sure he must of been thinking I was a total nutbag after all this was my 4th child I should know what pregnancy feels like lol but I had really concinced myself it was a phantom pregnancy and that my uterus would be empty completly devoid of any life...however Miss Olivia had other plans and I was angry how dare this person invade my body I hadn't given her permission to do so.

To say the next 9 months were tough would be a massive understatement..I batteled.. oh did I battle everyone and everything, I hated being pregnant, hated my body, hated God, my husband and as tough as it is to say this now, I hated my unborn baby.  Terrible motion sickness and cronic heartburn and high blood preasure did nothing to enhance my liking for this baby. The only thing gicing me some happiness was knowing that she was a girl (afer 2 boys I was so over blue) so shopping was a happy thing once again as my space got invaded with lots and lots of pink. Physically I continued to feel crappy and to make it worse she was now overdue, and I was very very over it. David had arranged to have 2 weeks off work his holidays were booked in and he was due to finish up work on the would be another 8 days before I could be induced thus in a way he would be "wasting" his paternaty leave because there would be no baby for a week of it, I was convinced bub's would not come on her own I have been induced with all 3 previous pregnancys and expected the same for the 4th.

The night of the 26th I sat on the bottom of the shower floor and sobbed, I sobbed my guts out like I never have before. Handing all my anxiety over to God in prayer I asked for his help...finally...probably should of done that about 8 months prior... but there I was a sobbing mess. I asked for Gods help I felt terrified I was never going to love my child, that she would know I had shown very little interest in her health or growth throughout the pregnancy and she would somehow know this and resent me. I wanted my baby I wanted to love her I just wasn't sure I would, that it would not happen as naturally as it was ment to. I sobbed some more crying a river of tears that had been stored up from the moment I peed on tht first pregnancy test at home. I told God of my need to have this baby soon that I could not wait for another8 days to go by before I could be induced that she needed to come out now,so David could be home with us the entire 2 weeks. I sobbed. until I was so exhusted all I could do was dry off from my shower and fall into bed I felt waves of relief wash over me, knowing that the baby and I were now in Gods hands I could sleep, I slept the sleep of the totally exhusted, but not for very long.

 Around 2am I awoke with a sharp pain through my back, oh great I think more fake labor they continued in and off for a while, "bugger this" I said to myself I got up out of bed went into the lounge room leaving hubby to sleep on. I watched t.v, folded laundry and tidied the kitchen as I breathed through some very minor contrations which were around 5 to 7 minutes apart. Because I had never "gone into labor" on my own before I wasn't even sure if this was the real thing, again I prayed "God if this is really labor give me a sign",...nothing spectacular happened, I went to the loo and there it was " a show" woo hoo I thought I am in labor and I did it all on my own. It was now 4am the pain wasn't bad but I thought I had better wake hubby I told him his daughter was on her way he was up and dressed in a flash...calm down hun she aint here yet I am going to have a shower I announce...David was worried and got me to call the hospital to explain where thing were at, "this is your 4th baby" the midwife says "hhmmm you better come in and let us check you over", darn it I really wanted the shower. So by the time we got a baby sitter and got to the hospital it was just after 5am, I am wisked up to the ward as my contractions start to get a little pinchy I am checked over and it is announced I am 7 and a half cm dialted GO ME!!!  I beg for a shower and the lovely midwife obliges. I labor on in there
for another hour when the midwife does a check on me I beg her "please break my waters once you do the baby will come straight out I know it". She gets a dotor who examines me and agrees it is safe for my waters to be broken.. (just as well as I had even offered the midwife a bribe of money to do it if the doctor says no..nope not kidding!!) I feel sweet relief as my waters break and I know I am on the home stretch. I stand up the midwife says I can deliever the baby this way if thats what I is, I am told to make sure I let them know when bubs is coming cause someone will need to catch her if I am in a standing position. No
problems I am woman, mother and birthing queen at this point I can do anything, with hubby standing in front of me my holding onto his sholders I feel the burning knowing my little princess is on her way out I say she is coming I push and bend down at the same time as her head emerges I reach down and deliever my own baby into my hands she comes wrinkly screamming beautiful life. I bring her up to my chest kissing her as I do so. David cuts the cord and I am ushered onto the bed where I can gaze apon the mirlce in my arms. Olivia Joy Valerie I say as David and I stare in amazement at each other and at our baby who is nuzzling round for a boob to attach to, 15 minutes after she is born she has latched onto my breast and remains there for the next little while.  Photo's are taken phone calls and text messages sent announcing the arrival of our princess,we call home to check on our other children who are all excited about meeting thier sister later on that day. 

 Olivia's birth was one of the most empowering things I have ever done, and although I had given birth to 3 other children her birthing experience remains the most powerful and wonderful one of all. This first year of our little ladybugs life seems to have passed extreamly quickly a fact that doesnot impress me at all. I am wanting to savor every moment with her, the kisses and cuddles the closesness of brestfeeding the joy she brings to my our whole family really. Olivia's name means peace, Joy, means happiness or joy and Valerie means strength, Olivia certainly fits her name, she has bought all these things into my heart and liffe and lives of those around her. 

 Thes past 12 months have come with ups and downs including a short hospital stay for Livvy who has a slightly enlarged heart, but is doing fine with it, lots of sleep issues but also lots of love,her dedication at church, funny moments and loads and loads of fun. I would not of survived this past year without the love and support of a very special person in mine and Olivia's life, her Godmother Megan, who has been an almost constant sorce of love and compassion, Olivia gets very excited and squeals if I say to her where is Aunty Meegs she knows Megan loves her and is always happy to dive into her arms for cuddles. Thank you Megan for taking such an important role in Livvy-bugs life.    

 As Ladybugs birthday draws closer I am reflective of the past and how much of a struggle it was to except she was on the way to join our family, our family seems to be complete now that Livvy is a part of it. I am so thankful and greatful for my happy healthy princess. I cannot imagine life without her except that it would be very incomplete.
 Happy First Birthday my darling I hope you feel spoilt, special and above all very very loved and wanted on your special day. All my love to you sweet baby girl!!


  1. Such an amazing story to read even tho i know it so well! She was meant to be in this world and God meant for you to be her mummy. Big things are planned for Livvy. Thank you for letting me be a part of both your lives, its an honour. Love you both so much xxx

  2. Thank you Leesa, for sharing your story, in all it's rawness.
    You know I'm personally not religious, but it really blew me away reading the part that you prayed for her arrival and then woke in labor, truly amazing.
    Happy Birthday to Livvy
    Happy Birthing Day to you golly what an amazingly empowering birth!
    Congratulations to you both on 12mths of breastfeeding, especially knowing your past struggles with it, this is an awesome achievement!!!

  3. Wow, what a journey, Leesa, thank-you so much for sharing. The part where you caught her yourself, I could feel my heart bursting with joy for you as I read it, so can only imagine just how incredibly empowering and truly divine that moment must have been for you! I am thrilled for you and for Livvy to have experienced that together :)

  4. Thanks Sazz, yeah it was amazing,kinda freaked my mum out tho who was there with us she didn't realise what I was doing suddenly I stand up straight with the baby in my arms hee hee, it truly was one of the best moments of my life. xox



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