Saturday, April 7, 2012

It's not about the number

Hi there,
hope you are all enjoying the loves of YOUR lives at the moment.

So here we go… weight loss…. yeah I know right,… someone else has written another post on being fat or being skinny etc etc there is lot about weight loss or gain out there, but I just wanted to share somethings I am dealing with and wonder if anyone has similar experience. About 10 weeks ago I got on the scales… something I had been avoiding because I knew I had gained a lot of weight over the past 12 months, and even though I was living in a huge state of denial about how I looked my clothes and lack of energy and easy huffing and puffing on a short walk would tell me that my weight was rapidly rising…. so I stepped on the scale having my own biggest looser moment as the numbers flickered away. going up and up .. and burst into tears… surely that can't be right… not THAT number, the biggest number I have ever seen on a set of scales I have ever stepped on… 116.8 kilos….. first emotion…. shame…. first thought…. where is the Timtams….second thought…maybe I should check the battery in the digital scale cause that number has to be wrong…. (it wasn't) I looked at that number for a long time, and knew it had to change, I have 4 children and my kids need a mum who can play with them and chase them at the park, not sit on the sidelines cheering them on as they play without me. My resolve began to grow I was going to change this number…. after a few hours of thinking about it, praying and crying I begin to really realise something…. it's not about the number…and I think for a lot of people this is true… it's what that number represents… it represents me burying my feelings in a bag of Dorito's, me eating my stress through blocks of chocolate about me not relying on God but relying on the guy at K.F.C to provide my emotional stability and comfort in times of need. It had to stop.

I made up my mind that I was actually going to use the gym membership I pay for each month though hadn't actually used in about 18 months, I was going to do this weight loss thing, eat better and excise…. and that was what I did, not telling anyone for fear of failure and also judgement…. what if someone who knew I was dieting saw me eat a burger, I could not deal with the shame so for many weeks I kept it to myself just sharing it with hubby and the kids… and for the first couple of weeks things were going great, the weight was coming off and my eating was slowly coming under some sort of control, I cut out all fatty and junk food and put a stop to take away dinners… but it wasn't enough, I realised that simply going on a diet to loose some weight just would not cut it.. there had to be some real emotional and lifestyle changes made. I could not hide my feelings from people if something was upsetting me,I would have to get brave and *gulp* start voicing opinions on things that really bothered me or that I had an opinion on rather then eating my way through a packet of biscuits for comfort I had to start to turn to God who is always ready and waiting to hear from me in good times and bad, The bible says my body is a temple for the Holy Spirit…and I had to start taking better care of that temple, to not hide the fact that I was going to the gym and making better decisions for myself and family when it came to the food we were eating. After about 4 weeks I had lost 5 kilo's and was already feeling fitter and stronger I decided to post on Facebook a check in that I was at the gym and was encouraged later by positive comments and such about this post.

I continued on, getting my act together health and fitness wise and about 2 weeks ago during prayer with a lovely woman from our church (someone who knew nothing about my weight loss journey)I was told they could see a new stronger authority rising up in me ( nothing about a number on a scale but an internal change happening to me) and it would affect the way I parent and the woman I am, I am a strong woman I have a voice and I can use it without fear of judgement, I have to say I felt it to… physically a change being made on the inside and I strongly believe that it is tied into how I see myself and the role food has played in my life. Things in terms of my weight loss and life gain are going great, I have been on this road to re discovering who I am .. who I really am, not just the funny fat mum who is a good cook, and I have to say I really like this version of myself, I can speak up about things I have experienced that had me eating more and going out less (post natal depression springs to mind) and have been able to shake off a lot of the shame that went along with my eating habits of old. Now I am 10 kilos lighter and I am beginning to see a real change in my body shape and feel so much stronger and fitter, I meet with a trainer once a week and go to the gym 6 days a week.. most weeks. I have seen a dietitian who gave me some great pointers and meal ideas that have me always feeling full and satisfied… and NOT soaked in oil. I have 6 kilos to loose and I will be under a 100 kilos, which is my goal for now and I will re-assess when I get there… but really it's not about the number… it never was, it's about what the number represented, it's not about "being good" and eating a salad it's about making right choices as often as possible choices that don't actually have anything to do with food but with how I choose to deal with decisions that need to be made in my life, walking away from the confectionery aisle in the shops and heading for the fresh fruit and vegetables… discovering that healthy options really aren't the work of the devil and are actually really really enjoyable, choosing to get my arse off the lounge and going for a walk.. or really punching out strong so I hurt my trainer in a boxing session… these are some new loves of my life.

1 comment:

  1. Go Leesa! What an amazing post! I totally understand the fears, joys, excitement, dread & ecstasy of weight loss! I really connected with the not wanting to tell anyone what I was doing either - I haven't made it a public thing either. But you have inspired me that possibly I can.....? Maybe one day soon...and when (if) I do you will know it's because you inspired me with this post!
    Keep up the awesome work, you look AMAZING in your gym pic! :)



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